Thursday, September 18, 2008

REWRITE - Suddenly Susan - Part 6 - The Chains - 3rd person past tense


(Author's note: Ok, I think I prefer this in third person past tense writing.)

"What are you doing?!" Merth rushed towards RJ as RJ moved slowly towards Susan with sword drawn. "She's mine!" Merth screamed, wrapping his talons around RJ's arm.

Merth didn't see the muscles tense. He didn't notice the arm move or see the swing. But he felt the slap as his body lifted off the floor and flew helplessly across the room, tumbling through the bookshelves on the west wall and onto the wet grass outside. Immediately springing to his feet, Merth launched back into the room, only to find himself suddenly struggling, suspended in air as RJ's scaly talons tightenend around his throat.

"You idiot!" RJ hissed. "You low level discouragers always make the same mistakes. She is not yours. She belongs to nobody until she breathes her last breath. You overconfident little slug. She is not yours until she cannot choose to be anyone else's." RJ watched Merth's eyes bulge as his body dangled at the end of his grip.

"So are YOU going to kill her?" Merth wheezed and whined. "She's my kill! She's my kill! I want the credit!"

Disgust. That's all RJ could feel. No sympathy. No pity for lack of experience. Just a growing vile river of disgust. Better to do away with this incompetent tempter before he did anymore damage... But, no. The master may have need of him.

Tossing Merth to the floor, he turned his gaze back to the once weeping teenager.

"I'm not going to kill her. I don't have that kind of power and neither do you." A wise demon knows his limitations.

"Then what?"

RJ's slowly lifted his heavy sword over his head and then let it fall toward Susan! It pierced her flesh, but she never knew it. It sliced her from head to toe, but the sobbing figure on the floor never flinched. He stepped back to survey his work.

"No!!!" Merth stumbled forward in shock! "What are you doing?"

"Probably saving both of our lives." Shattered links and chains littered the area around her. RJ knelt and inspected one of the pieces closest to him. Not really heavy, but enough to hold a know-it-all teenager. He was angry, beyond angry. This should have been a victory! He could usually salvage a situation like this one. Not today, though. What was that old saying? Those who fight and run away... His thoughts were interrupted as a chilling howl to his right signaled that the war had finally reached them.

"Back away from the girl." He doesn't even look. He didn't have to. RJ recognized the angelic stench long before the voice made it's presence known. "You heard me, John!"

"It's RJ, Mikey. I told you before to call me RJ."

"And it's Michael. I said to never call me Mikey"

How many times had they played this scene? He loved getting under Michael's skin. And he knew just how to do it. RJ has mastered the art of smiling and sneering at the same time. He practiced it whenever he could stand to look at himself in the mirror. Now it was one of his signatures moves. He called it smeering. It was soooo satisfyingly irritating to others. "So, my friend, long time no see. You're looking good. it's been at least a decade or so." RJ "smeered" again as Michael flinched almost imperceptibly. The most bitter enemy is the one you once called friend. He laughs to himself. Michael was a great angel of war. RJ was sure he almost converted him at the time of the great uprising. Oh well. Too late for Mikey now.

Where was Merth? Oh! There he is! Cowering in the corner like a frightened puppy. Cretin! Dolt! Idiot! Putrid lump of stupidity. As long as he kept his mouth shut, they would be ok. But when has RJ ever known a tempter to be able to keep his mouth shut!?

"Let her go!" Michael jabbed his sword towards RJ's neck.

"Uh, let who go? The girl? What are you talking about, we don't have the girl." Merth began to say something, so RJ kicked him in the face. Simple. Direct. And sooo fun. He watched as Michael stared at the figure crumpled on the floor. "That's it..." he says to himself. "...Go examine her closely."

Keeping his sword outstretched towards the two demons, Michael moved slowly around the room, keeping his back to the wall, until he finally reached Susan. Confused, he noticed the broken chain pieces strewn around the girl. But as he knelt to examine the broken links, RJ made eye contact with Merth and mouthed a few words of instruction... Merth nodded his understanding. On my count, Merth. Not a second before... One, two, three.

"Now!"

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